FREE SMOKES FOR BRETT (excerpt from "BEACH BUM BRETT")

It's really so easy to obtain free merchandise -- easy, that is, when you're an unscrupulous bastard like Brett Cornell.

For instance, there's this little scene from "BEACH BUM BRETT" involving Brett's sudden realization, while lounging at the beach, that he's run out of cigarettes. And so, he gets up and does this:

As luck would have it, I didn’t even need to enter the store at all, as a paunchy, middle-aged guy was just stepping outside. He had a ridiculous, floppy kind of straw hat on his head, too -- obviously nowhere near as cool and classy-looking as the straw hat that I happened to be wearing just then – and he was in the act of unwrapping the cellophane off the pack of Marlboros he’d apparently just purchased. Again -- as luck would have it -- it was just my brand, too!

  

 Deciding to apply the good old palsy-walsy approach, I planted myself right in front of him, and when he was forced to stop in his tracks, I grinned at him and said,

 

“My man, you’re just what the doctor ordered! You don’t mind if I bum a cigarette off you, do you? -- Nah, I didn’t think so,” I quickly forged on ahead without waiting for an answer while the dumb dude just stood there and kind of gawked at me. So, it was pretty easy for me to simply reach over and snatch the whole pack away from him.

 “Hey, what the --” the goober started up on me, and all affability and charm, I kept grinning away as I extracted a cigarette from the pack and placed it between my lips.

 “Don’t worry, chump. You’ll get your cigarettes back.” Then I struck a match, lit my cigarette, and casually tucked the pack of cigarettes inside the already loosened top hem of the front of my cut-off denim jeans/bathing-suit. Still beaming away at the guy, I shook my head suddenly, said, “Nah, I don’t think so,” and started heading back towards the beach. Just as I expected, the pathetic moron started squawking, and yelled after me,

“Hey! Who do you think you are?”

 With a smirk, I turned back briefly in his direction and said, 

“I’m the guy who just ruined your whole day, that’s who,” before turning on my heel once again and walking off.

To give credit where credit is due, the guy was probably a real smart cookie. That is, he wasn’t stupid enough to yell out any obscenities behind my back as I was walking away, but just kept his mouth shut, probably figuring that I was the type of guy who wouldn’t hesitate to walk back over to him and knock him out cold if he were to give me the slightest provocation.

 Man, it sure was great being me!





See how easy that was? ? ?