BRETT ACTS UP ON THE PLANE (anyone surprised?)

Here's an extract from "BRETT ENTERS THE SQUARE CIRCLE" in which we find Brett actually settling into his seat on a jet plane, bound for Tampa -- on business, on this particular occasion.

Unfortunately, the supreme unscrupulous bastard himself sees fit to give everyone a hard time before the plane even gets off the ground.

It goes like this:

The flight would have been a lot more enjoyable and certainly a whole lot more tolerable if only the airline staff had been a little less pushy and unreasonable. The aggravation started even before the plane got off the ground, would you believe it, when this skanky-looking stewardess, who looked nothing like the sexy girls I’d always seen in the T.V. ads that plugged this particular airline, stopped alongside of where I was sitting, minding my own business as I sat quietly, taking in the various admiring looks my gorgeous mustache was attracting from various pretty young babes who were sitting nearby, and then the skank leaned in to me slightly and said something to the effect that perhaps my hearing was impaired, but she believed that she’d just gotten through announcing to all the passengers that it was necessary for everyone to fasten their seat belts.

Still in a fairly good mood, I looked up at her, gave her a sickeningly sweet fake-smile, and told her with a little laugh,

“Sorry, lady, but I don’t do seat belts.”

Then, as the moments crept by, and the tension increased, a guy dressed in an official kind of uniform joined the uptight stewardess, and offered his own opinion on the matter, telling me that he was “sorry” but that he must insist that I buckle my seat belt, otherwise the plane wouldn’t take off – not on time, anyway.

At that juncture, I laughed out loud and said to him, point-blank,

“I call bullshit on both counts: Number One, you ain’t the least bit sorry about insisting that I buckle up, and Number Two, the plane can still take off, irregardless of whether I’m following your stupid little rules or not.”

 Then, as it turned out, a passenger who’d been sitting a few rows behind me suddenly came forward and handed me a bunch of bills – several ones, but quite a few fives, tens, and twenties, I noticed.

 “Look, buddy, a bunch of us just took up a collection,” he began telling me, and I felt compelled to insert the required information that I wasn’t his “buddy,” but the guy continued anyways and said,” Look, would you just shut the hell up and take the money I’m giving you, and then fasten your damned seat belt, so the rest of us can get to Tampa sometime within the next twenty years? Think you can manage that, big guy?”

With a few short chuckles, I spread the bills out in front of me just long enough for me to see that there was well over a hundred bucks there, then my good humor gradually returned, especially when it hit me that I suddenly had the entire plane – passengers, flight crew, and everybody in between – at my mercy, so I then decided to snap my seat belt in place, leaned back, and said,

“Sure, I can manage that all right, and maybe we can do this again a few hours from now when the plane gets ready to land.”

     

The moral of the story?

Answer: Sometimes it really pays off to act like an unscrupulous bastard !!!   

In Brett's World, at least.